(Signs riddled throughout the FCoGW Arena saying "About F@#king Time!". Other notable signs are "Where's my mum?", "Over Here Love!" and "Who farted?". The crowd is pumped and the commentators are DJ Seedy and Nitsuj Yssov.)
Hello there DJ, it is indeed nice to be back in the seat again.
Sure is, what are dese rumours 'bout yo' an' da New Force?
I just thought that I am their real chance to be a success here in the FCoGW, and I didn't think that it could hurt my reputation either.
It sure won't hurt yo' pay cheque neither!
I'll say, and tonight's Fridee is a really special one folks. With it all going to perhaps my future stable, the New Force.
Was originally s'posed ta be da New Force 'gainst D-Vine Intervention, but da Doc thought dat Vinnie and Big Duke might wanna get on even terms wit' Death.
He showed some real form in version 2.99.
I'll say, he tore dem apart, an' dat stare fing ain't to shabby neither.
That match is first, followed by a Loser-Loses-Gimmick match. Yes, Steve, the Original Mighty Ice Cream Guy against the Mighty Fake Ice Cream Guy.
An' if he loses, his career will be on a real down slide, huh?
Yes DJ, it was said the other day that the FCoGW Alliance Hero has been retired, and replaced with the FCoGW Blue Blazer Hero, which meant the title was vacated and Steve lost his belt.
But never mind none, he gets a chance ta take out the Blazer Hero, he wrestles da winner of a four way on da last tDDD!
But we'd better finish reading the card DJ.
We have Red Crow and bLaCk KnIgHt against Team Money Bags, den a five-way fo' da Global belt.
Yes, champ Pres K defends against BPD, Harvey, the Man and Vlad the Impaler.
Looks likes we ready ta start, Nitsuj.
This is a handicap match set for one-fall. Hailing from Phoenix and Las Vegas, weighing 360 and 324 pounds, both from the New Force, the Duke and "Vegas Venger" Vinnie Smythe! (Slutty disco music and "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queens plays and a confused crowd give an outstanding pop. Big Duke walks just outside the doorway and gives the Duke's eyebrow. Vinnie rushes down ringside, Big Duke takes his time eying the crowd.)
And their opponent, from the Pits of Hell, not Utah, weighing 365 pounds and standing at nearly 7 feet, Death! ("The Small Hours" by Metallica plays as the Arena's lights go out. Then a red glow comes over, followed by a huge flash of flames and Death's standing in the ring.)
How the Hell did he get in there?
I dunno, but dat was so dang cool!
Well, Vinnie has backed right out of the ring, leaving it up to the Duke now.
DING! DING!
There's the bell and the two lock-up. Death pushes the Duke back, who immediately pushes him back. Death rushes at him but is greeted with the mat after an arm-drag takedown.
Nice move dere, followed by a double kneedrop.
Big Duke not giving up any yards in this match.
If I was dem, I'd try not ta look dat freak show in da eyes, he could freeze 'em again, like at version 2.99!
That truly was weird, Death sits up. The Duke eying the crowd, Irish Whip into the ropes followed by a lariat, the Duke holds onto Death and makes the tag to Vinnie who was already on the top turnbuckle.
Flyin' clothesline, taking down Death, he's trouble already!
I'll say, he can't even stand up at the moment!
Double reverse chin-lock from Smythe now, Death is strugglin' ta break da hold, what da hell is dat rushing through da crowd?
Whatever it is, it's completely in black, we can't tell because of the ski-mask they're wearing.
Well, it's come down ta ringside an' jus' rammed da head of da Big Duke inta da railings, entered da ring and DDTed Vinnie.
Well, whoever that is, just handed Death something, it looks like a business card, Death puts it in his pocket as the masked man runs away from the scene.
My, what da Hell jus' happened here?
That's my line.
Yo' sure homey, I thought it was mine.
No, look here, Nitsuj, see? My line.
Sorry brutha!
From the top?
Why da heck not?
Well, whoever that is, just handed Death something, it looks like a business card, Death puts it in his pocket as the masked man runs away from the scene. My, what the Hell just happened here?
I think yo' said dat much better den I did.
Thanks DJ, it means a lot.
Death has control now dat da masked man cleaned up his opponents, he slaps on his double chicken wing submission, Death's clutches.
Vinnie in trouble, the Duke is rubbing his head, he sees the hold and slides in under the ropes and breaks the hold with a boot to Death's head.
Man, I wonder what a size fifteen boot tastes like?
Probably chicken, everything else does. Quick double team, they whip Death into the ropes, doubles clothesline from the New Force team, Vinnie tags and holds onto Death.
Duke gets a little mo' of a run up, an' here he goes fo' da dropkick, Death ducks an' he connects on the chin o' Vinnie!
Vinnie's not happy, not happy one little bit here!
He looks like a preppy who's had dere lunch cut diagonally instead o' horizontally.
Yeah, speaking on that, the cafeteria lady won't press charges, you sure are lucky!
I said horizontally, she should kept her mouth shut.
Well, you stuffing your balogne sandwich in her mouth did a nice job of it. Death trying an offensive approach, but the Duke seems powerful tonight.
Duke wit' a kick ta da head, caught by Death, enzuigiri ta da head from da Duke!
Nice execution, Death back up, kick to the guts from Big Duke, Death leans over and the Duke links his arm around his head. Jumping DDT, what a manoeuvre!
An' dere's da Duke's eyebrow, da crowd is lovin' dis!
The Duke takes his glove off and throws it into the crowd! The crowd roar, this is the Duke's new move, he bounces off one rope, bounces off the other. He pretends to chug down a beer and there it is, an elbow to the heart, the Duke's Elbow!
Listen ta dat crowd roar, day are roarin' fo' Big Duke. Dere's da cover as he looks up ta da ref, 1...2...3!
A completely different Duke, wouldn't you say?
Wouldn't I say what?
Wouldn't you say it's a completely different Big Duke?
I'll check da script.
No, I'm asking your opinion.
Oh, yeah I would.
Here are your winners, Big Duke and "Vegas Venger" Vinnie Smythe!
Tremendous win for the New Force, but most impressive by Big Duke.
What I wants ta know is what dat fool masked man was doin' in dat ring!
I don't know, but I sure would like to though.
(Something comes up on the FCoGW Maxiview screen, it's that masked man.)
What'
s going on here?
Is dis authorised?
If not, some guy in security is going to be fired!
Masked Man: The FCoGW has waited long enough for a real wrestler to take the ring. And he is finally here. Be not amazed feeble fans, you shall be fickle no more.
What in God's name is this guy on about.
MM: Corporations such as the New Force beware, you have come into the era, the era of a real wrestler.
(It all goes black, lights come back on and there's the Blue Devil tied up in the middle of the ring.)
MM: One by one, the giants shall fall, and David's shall lead the way. For the meek shall inherit the earth, and the strong shall inherit the belts.
(Big Duke and Vinnie untie Blue Devil, they curse the masked man.)
MM: Your futile threats scare me not little men, you shall soon get your chance, just you wait and see!
(The screen goes snowy and then black as Vinnie and the Duke help Blue Devil out of the FCoGW Arena.)
Dat sure was scary, how da heck did he get Blue Devil inta da ring? An' why da heck haven't yo' brushed yo' teeth? I can see parsley an' chicken, also so...
Shut up Mr. Hygiene, we're ready for the next match.
This match is a Loser-Loses-Gimmick match set for one-fall. First, from somewhere in Alaska, weighing 203 pounds, representing D-Vine Intervention, the Mighty Fake Ice Cream Guy! ("Pop Goes the Weasel" plays and the crowd boo this guy the most, only because he tried to steal gimmick. He launches freezing cold ice creams at the fans, some fat guy is running around trying to catch them before they spoil.)
What a heartless bastard, he could save some o' dose ice creams fo' other people!
And his opponent, originally from somewhere in Alaska, originally weighing 202 pounds, originally standing at 6 feet and an inch, originally the Mighty Ice Cream Guy, Steve! ("Pop goes the Weasel" plays a second time, as Steve avoids throwing ice creams at the crowd, Icy sneaks into the Arena.)
DING! DING!
Steve was seen in da COIN federation recently, against COIN's C.S. Thewlis, it was called double DQ.
I heard, they both lock-up, knee to the guts, another, and another from Steve! He is filled with venom tonight folks, he wants to keep his gimmick, I know I'd want to!
Venom, maybe poison if he ate one of his chicken and strawberry ice cream cones.
Yuk! Steve stops for a second, the Fake guy is a little confused, Steve clicks his fingers, the ref puts a blind fold over his eyes.
I don't believe it, this can't be happening can it?
It sure can, playing right now is a series of Doctor, Doctor jokes and down come the Doc and his Elite Jobbers.
Maybe da Doc has felt sorry fo' Steve an' is givin' da man a break?
Maybe, you can never be sure with what the Doc's gonna do. J2 and Slobber grab the Fake Ice Cream Guy, the Doc faces him.
Can we get a mike in dere?
Nope, Jean-Pierre isn't letting anyone through, there's no way of getting into that ring with anything I'd say.
Well, are day gonna interfere or jus' chat?
If they were going to chat they've forgot a few things like coffee, uh...
Oh, oh, dose little biscuits with the marshmallow an' da coconut an' da jam!
Mmmmm, my favourites! The Doc walks over and shakes the hand of Steve, he nods his head and races up to the Fake and hits him with a European uppercut.
Whoa there Doc! Dat was harsher than lightin' matches bear gel boy!
Gel boy? Don't' you mean a teenager?
Dat'll do! Slobber wit' a Irish Whip inta da corner, den he climbs ta da top turnbuckle, presumably fo' da Slime Bomb! An' dere it is folks, the Fake is nearly dead!
Sure is, Jean-Pierre picks him up for a brain buster, and J2 spikes the Awful Tower from Jean-Pierre.
Dat nearly pushed da poor man's head through da bottom o' da ring!
Pity that thieving piece crap's head didn't get caught in a spring while he's down there!
Uh, spring? What, uh, spring? Dere's no, um, er, springs under da mat ta reduce da impact damage!
Oh yeah, that's right, I forgot! I thought this was the Worl...
Don't say it brutha, it ain't worth da law suit.
Why? I like the clothes lawyers wear.
No, no, suit as in pay millions of dollars in compensation.
Oh, the Doc tells the ref to take off the blind fold now, he does and Steve covers. 1...2...3! He wins!
Your winner, the Mighty Ice Cream Guy!
Steve and da Doc go ta shake hands, but Steve wit' da Ice Cream Scoop slam, an' he bolts out o' da Arena like nothin' I've ever seen before! What a perfect heel move!
The Doc just walked right into that, the Jobbers help the Doc up. What a stupid move by the Doc, he could've gotten rid of that New Force wanna be!
I don't think dat Stevie needs da New Force ta be honest, he's a re...
"To be honest"? There's a first time for everything folks.
How's about I punch yo' head in so much da nex' time yo' go ta da toilet you can lick yo' ass instead o' wipin' it?
Ow, painful, and quite disgusting.
Well, it appears on da schedule ta be an announcement from Big Pimp Daddy, an' here he comes. Dat slutty disco music has all da fans rockin' an' day are jus' dyin' ta see some whores.
Big Pimp Daddy: Well now, you are all here right? Well, the New Force has got an announcement to make, Nitsuj Yssov, would you care to come down here a minute?
I'd be honoured, I really would.
What da heck is goin' on here? I ain't so sure 'bout dis.
BPD: Well, Mr. Yssov, how would you like to join the New Force?
Would I?
BPD: Well, tonight will be your first and only chance to make it in the big time my little friend, where do you live?
St. Louis, why?
BPD: You'll have to move house to Las Vegas if you know what I'm saying.
I have a bachelor pad in Las Vegas. I could move in there!
BPD: Excellent, ;let's talk business!
(BPD and the secretary of the FCoGW walk off. DJ Seedy is left on his own with an Arena of screaming fans.)
Well, it looks likes I been left on my ownsome tonigh', we go...
Hold your horses feller, you haven't forgotten old Mr. Mat has ya?
Well, I'll be... This here is "Mr. Mat" Johnny Bonnaducci, back from da days when da FCoGW was da GOWD, befo' da Doc bought it out. He was da one an' only GOWD Heavyweight title holder, but was forced inta early retirement by da Doc after he bought it. How are yo'?!
Mr. Mat is quite excellent indeed DJ, Mr. Mat thought he might come on down and help you out. You being on your own and all.
Well, thankin' yo', Mr. Mat. Our nex' match is between Team Money Bags an' Red Crow with bK, think yo' can handle it?
If Mr. Mat can handle the likes of the Masked Steroid Abuser, or Da Bomb, he can handle talkin' 'bout a great heel team, that being the Money Bags.
Well den, let's get it on!
This match is set for one-fall, from Memphis and somewhere, at a combined weight of 716 pounds, bLaCk KniGhT and Red Crow from the New Force! Oh, and accompanied by Nitsuj Yssov and Lucy Lawless. ("Innuendo" by Queen plays lyricless with "Black Night" by Purple Haze. The crowd pop something loud, or they cheer heaps, as bLaCk KnIgHt walks down he's looks drugged out as usual. Red Crow comes from under the ring.)
My, my, those face wrestlers look pretty damn puny tonight.
Uh, day're heavier dan da two twins.
Yeah, but Mr. Mat thinks that the twins wrestle with more passion than the other two.
And their opponents from D-Vine Intervention, combining to weigh 646 pounds, accompanied by Miss D-Vine, Team Money Bags! ("Stagger Lee" by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds plays as only Miss D-Vine walks out. There is a few whistles but not much other response. Confusion.)
What? Mr. Mat is a little confused here, whose s'posed to be wrestling now?
Team Money Bags, dere manager has come out but not dem.
This is too weird for Mr. Mat's likings. But hang on, they come from under the ring and take out bK and Red Crow.
DING! DING!
Da Money Bags take da lead early on, an' day are takin' it ta da New Force hard!
Mr. Mat thinks that they are lookin' stronger than the average bear, tee hee hee hee!
While Yogi here has an identity crisis, da ref tells bK an' Dollars ta get outta da ring. Dollars throws out bK.
Irish Whip into the corner, Loose Change follows closely to back his whip up with a high cross body. Red Crow drops down. This is appearing to be a white wash, the best things in life are often from heels.
Yo' opinion only, Dollars throws a chair inta da ring, LC picks it up an' smashes it over da head o' Red Crow, da chair smashes ta smithereens!
Great, great, great, great, great, great, great! That was spectacular to see that chair implode on impact, great, great, great!
I is thinkin' dat we gets da picture homey.
Mr. Mat must excuse himself, Mr. Mat just loves to see those heels come to life.
Now J.L. on da outside hits Nitsuj Yssov over da head wit' a chair, den hits bK! My, my, what an introduction from J.L. Dollars.
Perfect, Mr. Mat thinks you've got to take the good with the bad,and certainly is the bad for Nitsuj. J.L. races around the other side of the ring to hide. But who the heck is that coming through the crowd now?
It ain't dat masked man again is it?
No, it's the Duke. He grabs J.L. and lays him out with the Duke bottom!
Wow! Dat was a spectacle in itself! Da ref calls fo' da bell.
This has been declared a no-match in the result of a double DQ.
Kill it! Double kill it!
Kill wha' Mr. Mat?
No, no, that's just a curse that Mr. Mat uses, Mr. Mat doesn't like to swear, only when Mr. Mat gets hurt.
Oh well, it was disappointin' wasn't it?
Mr. Mat remains unimpressed with the FCoGW after that bout, he needs to be convinced of it's worth after what has happened to him.
Hopefully our next match won't be so damned crap, or da Doc'll have some answerin' ta do!
Probably not, Mr. Mat thinks that if anyone annoys the Doc, he'll probably get them killed or something.
My guess is that this'll be a great match no matter what happens.
That'll impress him.
This is a five-way match set for one-fall for the FCoGW Global Championship belt. First, from Las Vegas, weighing in at 298 pounds, representing the New Force and accompanied by Nitsuj Yssov and some merchandise, Big Pimp Daddy! (Slutty disco music rings out, BPD stands there with his hands in the air. He shakes hands with Nitsuj Yssov then walks out sending his whores into the crowd. One whore stays with Nitsuj, who is now dressed in a green muscle shirt, pink flares and wearing one of the Big Pimp Daddy's robes, Nitsuj is also wearing a bowler derby.)
Next, coming from Pahoa in Hawaii, accompanied by Raoul the Pineapple, weighing a little over 5 and a half hundred pounds, Hawaiian Harvey! ("Santa Monica" by Everclear plays as Harvey strolls out with his pineapple. It has a small painted face on it. He steps over the ring ropes and talks with Raoul.)
Now, hailing from New York City, representing the creme de la creme of the human species, weighing in at an elite 376 pounds, accompanied by Miss D-Vine, the Man! ("The Move" by the Beastie Boys plays, the Man walks through the audience. He gives BPD's whores a rose each. BPD is angry. The Man kisses some girl in the audience before stepping over the railings.)
He truly is the Man, he's dirty and mean, but the ladies still love him!
From Transylvania weighing in at 387 blood sucking pounds, Vlad the Impaler! (It all goes black and a light shines through the door into the locker room. A big, big man strolls down, "Enter Sandman" by Metallica plays with an evil laugh played over the top. Lights come back on and Vlad is standing in the middle of the ring. The rest make a circle around him, scared.))
And finally, from Bucharest, Romania, weighing in at 468 pounds, the smiling Romanian, your FCoGW Global Champion, President Kowalski! (Huge pop as the big man's American/Romanian anthem plays. He waves to the fans and grins. He has the belt over his shoulder, he gives it to the ref as he steps into the ring.)
Starting in the ring will be President Kowalski and Big Pimp Daddy!
I'm not sure, Pres K could keep it, or the huge Harvey could take it.
Mr. Mat thinks that either Vlad or the Man will take it home tonight. They just look to strong for Mr. Mat to chose other wise.
Da otha three men clear outta da ring, an' we're 'bout ready ta start.
DING! DING!
Pres K with a roundhouse right that sends BPD stumbling back, followed by a kick to the midsection. Pres K places the head of BPD between his legs and executes a jack-knife powerbomb!
How could anyone ask fo' anymo'? Pres K showin' some real skill now he's da Champ.
BPD tags before he is pinned, Pres K didn't see and continues with the cover. Vlad in the ring. Pres K looks up to tell the ref to count and he sees Vlad, he rolls off and tags before Vlad touches him.
Yo' may not remember this Mr. Mat, but lad an' Pres K had an incident, it put da fear o' life inta Pres K.
That's what Mr. Mat likes to see, heel with some respect like Vlad.
I'd be mo' likely ta call it problems befo' I calls it respect nigga, dere ain't no way day respect him, day jus' fear him!
Respect him!
Fear him!
Respect him!
Fear him!
Respect him!
Fear him!
Respect him!
Fear him!
Respect him!
Fear him!
Respect him!
Fear him! Dammit, we'll continue dis argument later. Vlad on the receiving end of a few haymakers from Harvey, da ref warns 'bout da fist. Harvey wit' a nice lariat.
Vlad drops to his knees and headbutts Harvey in the groin!
Ow, that was merciless!
Yes, keep going, do it again! I love this stuff. Vlad boots Harvey in the groin, then knees him in the face! Ha ha ha ha! This is terrific, there ain't no stoppin' him, is there?
Harvey always gets kicked in da nuts, dere ain't no stopping' dat neither.
The only thing Mr. Mat can think of that's being stopped, is Harvey's chances at having a Father's Day!
I secon' dat motion. Vlad roars wit' delight, Harvey can't tag. He's goin' fo' da spike, he lifts Harvey up by da ankles, bu' he can't hold him up properly, Harvey falls on him in a cover position. 1...2..da Man pulls Harvey off th....
Gross!
Let me finish, da Man pulls Harvey off Vlad da Impaler, see?
Oh, sorry, Mr. Mat thought that you'd spent too much time with Thimon the Thailor.
Don't even start me on dat freak show!
Vlad is winded and tags out to the Man. Who immediately goes for the Move, a scorpion deathlock.
Bad ring positionin' by da Man, Harvey holds da rope which is right beside him. Miss D-Vine comes inta da ring and helps pull Harvey into da middle o' da ring.
The Man tries again. Nitsuj Yssov over the back of the head with BPD's silver cane, crowd go mad! I like Nitsuj's style!
In clothin'? Dat's da worst wardobe since Elton John!
What about Oprah's?
Nice point, but don't bag da babe, she's one o' my home-girls.
Oh really?
Not one o' dose home-girls sicko!
Tee hee. Mr. Mat thinks that this is nearly over. The ref counted to ten, but Harvey tags out to Big Pimp Daddy, who pushed Vlad out of the way. BPD covers Harvey, 1...2...Nitsuj cracks Vlad in the face with his silver cane, nobody can break the cover....3!
Oh Lordy, he got it back again, 'bout time too!
Waiting on the official word now, and here it comes.
Here's your winner, and new FCoGW Global Champion, Big Pimp Daddy!
This here crowd is going completely mad, and Mr. Mat thinks that it's time to say goodnight.
Yes folks, see you next time, remember that tDDD5 is the last one ever, so make a big turn out for that!
So long folks, now, where were we? Oh yeah, respected!
Fear him!
Respect him!
Fear him!
Respect him!
Fear him!
Respect him!
Fear him!
Respect him!
Fear him!
Respect him!
The Facical Confederacy of Gimmick Wrestlers
This is a presentation of the Facical Confederacy of Gimmick Wrestlers, Copyright 1999. http://rivendell.fortunecity.com/spell/240 is our URL!